It feels like I'm starting over.... again....

I've tried to start writing this post a few times but haven't been able to focus on it properly or get the words right or feel like I'm explaining the last few months properly without just making excuses.... so I think I'm just going to type it all out and just leave it here as it is.

I hit me tonight that in a year, on paper, it basically looks like I've made no progress.... and in all honesty, that is how I've felt for the last few months - probably since May when I injured my knee and had to take 4 weeks off of all exercise due to swelling and loss of range of movement. 

On paper, I've gone from 277lbs on Sept 3rd 2024 to 262lbs in April 2025 and back up to 266lbs at the start of August 2025..... the numbers in black and white make me feel like a total failure. 

I had a really big mental health wobble in June after taking time out from the gym and had quite a few binge episodes which I hadn't been dealing with for a long time so that threw me for a loop too. There was a lot going on with work and I couldn't work out because of my injury and old habits crept back in as a coping strategy - I was very low for a fair few weeks.

I know the numbers aren't the whole story. I have photos that prove to me that my body looks significantly different to this time last year. My exercise levels have changed drastically, going from nothing to 4 classes a week in October 2024 when I joined the local leisure centre. 2 weights classes and 2 Zumba classes (I had forgotten just how much I love to lift and love to dance). So I know that although the numbers aren't that different - my body is. I am stronger than I was, I am increasing my weights in my classes consistently which I love! I love pushing my body to see how strong it's getting. 

But I am stuck in a place where I am really struggling with what I see in the mirror, lack of inspiration in the kitchen and a very busy summer term schedule has meant that i've had to sacrifice a lot of time in the gym in July and August due to work and family events that I didn't want to or couldn't miss. 

And yes, this is all a balance. I have to work out a way to keep making the progress whilst still enjoying life to a point. If its total restriction and hours in the gym and no family/friends/social fun then what's the point..... 

I've also had some medical developments that have probably got me refocusing and thinking about this all alot again. I have to have regular blood tests for my hypothyroidism to make sure my hormone levels are stable. My most recent one showed that my cholesterol (the bad kind of cholesterol) is high.... and so that has really refocused me as to why this journey and this work is so important. 

I want to be here for my kids - I want to be able to keep up with them and be active with them. 

I want to inspire my kids to live an active, healthy life - for them to see their mum as something who is strong and physically capable. 

They are my biggest why - the boys. 

There are other whys - of course. 

I would love to rediscover the entire drawer of clothes that are under my bed that I used to fit into but don't now.... 

I want to complete another triathlon and have a decent time. I can't wait to book one in tbe spring on 2026. 

I want to get to a point where I don't dread photos being taken and looking at them and my skin crawling at what I see. 

So this feels like I'm sort of starting over again.... refocusing..... relearning all the tools and techniques I spent so long exploring with Susan. 

I'm writing this from our family holiday in Selsey, but i'm really looking to getting home and getting going again with renewed focus and goals in mind.